Neil Atzinger

College IV
St. John Vianney College Seminary
Home Parish: St. Andrew, Saline

From a young age, my parents have brought me up with a love of being Catholic. During the week, they would bring my brother and I to church to pray the rosary. I would imitate my parents’ prayer postures at rosary and mass. I would also imitate my parents’ reverence towards the priests at my parish. Being as young as I was, I never really had a conversation with these priests, but I could sense their holiness. I thought they were the coolest. After mass, I would walk around the church and look at the saints statues and my parents would explain the particular saint’s life and some of the symbols in the art. I wanted to be a saint and a priest myself.

In middle school, I had to put all my efforts into being as cool as possible and man, I was cool, but I certainly was not holy. I basically stopped praying and got into sin. However, my pride for being Catholic remained, and despite giving into sin, I would consider myself holier than others. This contradiction in my life made me sick.

In my sophomore year of high school, my cross country coach became my parish’s youth group director and I began to go to youth meetings. He called upon the pride I had from my early childhood in being Catholic and by God’s abundant grace, brought me to a sober understanding of my sins. He brought me to a fear of Hell that gave me great freedom from sin, the kind of freedom I felt in my innocence as a child in that Church praying the rosary.

Then, our Lord gradually brought me from a spiritual life centered on the fear of Hell to one centered on the Love that Christ has for me. During this time of slow conversion, I was struggling to pray more, but was, for the most part unsuccessful in developing a steady prayer life. This was the case until once in Eucharistic adoration at a retreat at Pine Hills, I was given a powerful understanding of Christ's love for me in His gift of himself on the cross. The cross was no longer just a piece of art hanging in a church, it became a message of Christ’s devotion as He looks into the eyes of each and every one of us as He is fixed in total surrender on that piece of wood. Sustained by this love, I have been able to do a holy hour every day. Sometimes prayer was filled with pleasure, and sometimes it was very dry, but prayer was always fulfilling because I was remaining faithful to God.

My initial response to this fulfillment I had in prayer was that I wanted others to have this fulfillment too. I wanted to give myself as Christ did for me. At this point, the desire for priesthood came back and I began to consider entering the seminary after high school. However, at this time, I was being offered to run cross country and track for the UofM. This presented me with great anxiety because I wanted to both have a great running career and enter the seminary. After much prayer, silence and consultation with my parish priest, I realized that I wanted holiness more than anything else and that the seminary is the place for me to grow in holiness. I let go of my anxieties, jumped into the seminary and didn’t look back. I was at peace.

As you can see from my story, we cannot know our vocation unless we are first pursuing holiness. Holiness is our first vocation. Out of this holiness will come the gift of our particular vocation. I am so glad that I entered the seminary because it has provided me with the setting to pursue sainthood, to continue my growth in holiness and discern the priesthood in this way.