Out of Darkness… Parish Grief Support Ministry

Every human being, at one time or another, experiences loss in life which leaves pain and grief.  One’s journey to wholeness asks us numerous questions, for example: “Why am I experiencing this pain and why do I feel sad, angry and depressed?”  These feelings are normal and part of one’s life cycle. 

Beverly Lancour Sinke, a parishioner from Saint Mary Magdalen, Brighton, in anticipation of her pending death from cancer, wrote:

 “Life experience has taught me that it does no good to ask ‘why.’  We have no control over the ‘why.’  That is not our proper question; it is beyond our realm of understanding.  Our energies should instead be in the pursuit of the question ‘how.’  How am I going to respond to this particular event?  How can I remove the obstacles that will allow God to transform this suffering?  How can I recognize the presence of God?  This allows me to be a participant in the direction my life will take.  The living out of the ‘how’ calls me into co-partnership with my God.  Together we co-create my response to life with all its complexity.  I am convinced today that it is not the load that weighs us down, but rather how we carry it.”

It may be that “How?” is a common "thread" running through a number of the many parish grief support ministries in the Diocese of Lansing so that those people experiencing loss do not need to feel alone in carrying that burden.  In this “Sharing The Wealth” article, we highlight a few of those ministries. 

At Saint Mary Magdalen Parish, Brighton, Sister Maryetta Churches initiates a Parish Grief Group each September.  Personal invitations—extended by phone or by mail—are sent to those who have lost someone in the preceding year.  Meetings are held each Monday evening in September and October and culminate on All Souls Day, November 2nd, with a closing liturgy where all those who have gone before us are remembered.  The text used is “The New Day Journal” by Mauryeen O’Brien.  It covers such key issues as:  “what is grief?...  accepting the reality of loss… adjusting to an environment in which the deceased is missing… journeying toward a new life and moving to closure.”  During the two-month “journey,” participants share stories along with other thoughts and prayers, remembering their loved ones who have passed away.  As Sister Maryetta puts it, “People grow out of their pain and become ALLELUIA people again!”

During the All Souls Day Liturgy, pictures of those that have been lost are used to create a banner which proclaims the message:  “INTO YOUR HANDS, O LORD.”  The pictures and the names of the individuals are included so the entire parish can remember these loved ones as the banner remains on display throughout the month of November. 

According to Sister Maryetta,  “From the darkness comes new light, and each year, those who have lost someone can be a source of strength and hope for new people as they begin their own journeys of loss.  One of the participants recently told me, ‘This is the only place where I feel I have permission to cry.” 

Sister Maryetta believes that the groups need to be kept small to be effective in helping grieving people become whole again.  She prefers groups not larger than  8 – 10 persons.  She will form multiple groups if the number seeking this comfort is larger.

Good Shepherd Parish, Montrose, recently constructed a new parish hall.  The parish, under the leadership of Sister Josephine NcNamara, IHM, pastoral co-ordinator, has decided that it would be completely fitting for this new space to serve the parish and the community at large in housing the grief support ministry.  Beginning February 3, 2009, the parish will be offering a “Learning to Live with Grief” opportunity in the facility.  The participants will be not only those who have lost a loved one, but anyone who has experienced any kind of personal loss.  Many in the area have lost employment and some have gone through home foreclosure.  Others who will be welcomed to the group will be those experiencing loss through age and diminishment of good health.  This group will be facilitated by trained grief counselors from Catholic Charities of Shiawassee and Genesee Counties.  This opportunity is sponsored by the Social Ministry Commission in the parish.  Sister Josephine says, “Recently two men from the community were killed in separate car accidents and the parish was able to serve the larger Montrose community by offering hospitality to those who were grieving.  In one case, the gentlemen went to the store in the evening and simply did not return.  Then came the knock at the door to inform his wife that he had been killed.  He was not a parishioner, but his wife was.  This new facility afforded the parishioners and larger community many opportunities to show their concern and support to the grieving widow.”

Catholic Charities of Washtenaw County offers two different opportunities for grief support.  The first is “Joseph’s Family,” an adult grief recovery program, incorporating the Catholic faith.  Individuals who have lost a loved one in death are invited to attend this peer group which is coordinated by trained facilitators.  The group meets two-hours weekly for five weeks.  New groups are offered throughout the year as needed and are co-sponsored by the Catholic parishes in Washtenaw County.  (provide link to Catholic Social Services of Washtenaw County)

The second offered by Catholic Charities is “Rainbows.”  This is a grief support program tailored for children and adolescents who are experiencing a family member’s death or divorce.  The youthful participants learn to better understand their new family unit and work on improving their self-esteem and coping skills.  These groups run for 13 weeks and are facilitated by well-trained, caring adults.  This program is supported and co-sponsored by the Washtenaw County Catholic parishes Immaculate Conception, Milan; Saint Andrew, Saline; and, Saint Joseph, Dexter.

Another model of grief support is offered through “BeFriender Ministry” which is a one-on-one listening ministry.  Though ecumenical, the Catholic component is very strong.  These “listening” ministers complete 24 hours of training, which include:

• theology of ministry,
• background on the Vatican II documents as they relate to the involvement of lay people,
•  mutuality … how we each love God and love our neighbor,
• listening skills so as to hear what people are really saying,
• grief and loss,
• aging,
• hospital ministry, and
• chemical dependency. 

When the training is completed, BeFriender ministers are assigned a person who is in need of this ministry.  It may be someone who has lost a spouse, a job, a home, one who cannot make ends meet to pay the bills, a lonely person, or an elder who is in need of this kind of ministry.  Referrals to the ministry can be made from the pastor or another member of the pastoral or school staff, sons or daughters of seniors, or from siblings of one who is mentally ill. 
The minister regularly visits the person and brings an awareness of the stages of grief to the sessions.  Many times, if it is a case of the loss of a spouse, a person might be in shock for a very long time—a month or even a year.  The minister may hear the same story over and over.  Sometimes there is guilt involved, with the griever saying, “If only I had done this….”  The minister learns that it is important to let the person go in this direction for as long as he or she wants until that person recognizes the importance of forgiveness of self.  What the person is going through is very normal and the minister helps them see that.  Closure is brought to the listening when the person is ready.  The minister is held to a code of confidence about anything that is learned in these sessions.

A parish using the “BeFriender” model of grief ministry usually has a parish coordinator.  At Saint Michael Parish, Grand Ledge, Krinne Walsh has been the coordinator since the ministry began in 1994.  Krinne believes that the ministry flourishes in parishes where the pastors value what the ministry can accomplish.  She also holds deeply the belief that not only the recipient of the ministry gains peace of mind and grows spiritually, but that the minister gains equally.  At Saint Michael, Grand Ledge, the BeFriender ministers gather five times annually.  During these meetings, they sharpen their listening skills, participate in some topic of continuing formation to grow spiritually and culminate the session by enjoying a potluck meal.

In these difficult and challenging times, providing support for our families and individuals is another way through which the mission of Christ is manifest all around us!
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Stephen Ministry … a ministry which brings Christ’s love to hurting people.

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Contact information:

Sister Maryetta Churches OP
Saint Mary Magdalen Parish, Brighton                                
810-229-8624

Krinne Walsh                                                            
Saint Michael Parish, Grand Ledge
517-627-7215

Sister Josephine McNamara IHM                                                     
Good Shepherd Parish, Montrose
810-639-7600

Catholic Charities of Washtenaw
734-971-9781